Pulisic Goes Full 0 Against Wolves

Christian Pulisic played a grand total of zero minutes last Saturday, the first time he’s been benched for an entire game this season. Frank Lampard obviously found Willian to be the better option, presumably because of his experience and/or kick-ass hair. Pulisic has stiff competition in the winger spot from the the likes of: Mason Mount, Willian, and probably some other players I don’t want to mention because I’m not completely sure if they’re wingers or just regular midfielders. In fact, I’m not even sure a winger is a midfielder. In fact, I’m not even completely sure where I am right now.

Let alone what this blog post is about.

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Chelsea play Spanish titans Valencia tomorrow at home in their first game of the Champions League. Valencia is known, among other things, for producing excellent oranges and for being home to a dialect of Catalan called “Valenciano.” Oranges should not affect tomorrow’s match, as they would undoubtedly be confiscated by customs agents at Heathrow (see: Luton [see: Standsted]).

In other news, I’m coming down from the coffee I had this morning, which means my perspective on the world is changing. Instead of feeling like I’m at a cutting edge technology center surrounded by cutting-edge minds, I actually feel like I’m at a public library in Seattle surrounded by body odor. It is unclear where the body odor is emanating from, which means I will exit the premises soon.

Will Pulisc start (or even play) against Valencia tomorrow? I don’t want to speculate. I was sure he’d start against Wolves, I was sure he’d score, and look where that got me. Instead I’ll leave you with a quote from everyone’s favorite mystic, Rumi:

We carry inside us the wonders we seek outside us.

What does that mean? It means I currently carry an energy bar inside me, since that is what I seek, which is strange because the very reason I seek it is because I don’t have it.

Seek, and ye shall have already found?

Go Blues.

-M

 

SOH Friday the 13th Edition: Pulisic at Wolves, Sargent at Berlin

Friends, lovers, Pulisic fans,

Welcome to today’s Friday the 13th edition of Straight Outta Hershey, in which we honor the goddess within us, since that is apparently traditionally what Friday the 13th was all about until it was demonized by the evil patriarch. But today we take it back! We are all goddesses, albeit some of us male. Like Cha Boi, for example. And maybe Jadon Sancho, too. And of course Bianca Andreescu, who recently won the US Open in tennis.

Go, Bianca.

Before we go any further though can you just take a quick peek at the featured image for this blog post? Look at Christian Pulisic and Jadon Sancho, going head to head in a USMNT vs. England national team game. Look at the passion on both of their faces, and — look quick! — how their arms are so delicately intertwined, a dance of friendship and camaraderie but also one of competitive zeal. Ahhh, my friends, but fall is in the air! The season when a young man’s fancy quickly turns to love. Or is it indifference? Ahhh, my friends…

Anyway. Let’s talk just a TINY bit about this Chelsea vs. Wolves game tomorrow out in Wolverhampton. Folks, I think Christian Pulisic will actually start again. Hudson-Odoi isn’t QUITE fit yet (he played for the U-23 team today and didn’t score), and since Hudson-Odoi is basically the dude who’s gonna replace Puli should Puli start to play like shit, we’re good for a little while longer. In fact, should Puli play how I think he’s going to play tomorrow, I think we’re gonna be good for a lot longer. You see, Pulisic’s probably a bit frustrated after what happened against Mexico recently. And you might think that that would make him play bad tomorrow, when the exact opposite is actually true. Christian responds to diversity, and responds well. If he starts tomorrow, expect his performance to be gangbusters.

Can we talk a little about Josh Sargent now? Just for like two seconds? Josh Sargent should PROBABLY START tomorrow against Union Berlin, especially since Maximilian Eggestein, everyone’s 18th favorite German midfielder, is out with some kind of injury. Even if Eggestein was healthy, everyone with an ounce of brain matter knows Sargent should still start, except of course head coach Florian Kohfeldt, who seems purgatory-bent on sidelining Sargent until he either A) turns 60 or B) learns German. Since everyone knows the latter will never happen (or the former, for that matter; stars don’t die; they only go down in flames), we have to wait for Kohfeldt to see the proverbial light when it comes to his 19-year-old phenom striker.

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Should Sargent start again tomorrow, and should he score again, his position in the starting lineup might just be solidified and congealed like big fat scoop of collagen peptides. I think it’s decently likely Sargent scores should he start tomorrow against Union Berlin. I think it’s decently likely Pulisic scores against Wolves tomorrow. I think it’s decently likely Chelsea win, but I don’t think it’s that likely Werder Bremen win. In honor of Bianca Andreescu, winner of the US Open, and also in honor of the original significance of Friday the 13th, I will give my prediction for the score lines in tennis terms.

Chelsea vs Wolverhampton: 6-1, 6-7, 6-4, 6-3

Bremen vs. Union Berlin: 6-7, 6-4, 6-7

If you don’t understand this, don’t worry: I don’t really understand it either.

But I like it.

Go Blues!

-M

Cha Boi Back in England

They call him Christian Pulisic. Some pronounce this Christian PuLIsic. Others say Christian PUlisic. And others, usually the English, also often the Germans, and definitely the Slavs, say PuLIsiCH. What would the correct pronunciation be? I’m not going to tell you. Your vocal cords are not capable of it. You must be divine or a parakeet in order to pronounce it right.

So, following the USMNT’s sub-par (shouldn’t it be “above-par,” though? Like, sub-par, in golf, is good. When I golfed I never shot below par. And I was even on the golf team until my overweight geography teacher wouldn’t let me play in a tournament because I didn’t tuck in my shirt), Pulisic has shipped back off to England, where he’s now ostensibly preparing for Chelsea FC’s Saturday match against the Wolverhampton Wanderers, AKA Wolves. In case you’re wondering, Wolverhampton is a city just outside of Birmingham that was once described by the future Queen Victoria as “a large and dirty town.” As far as I can tell, there are no actual wolves in Wolverhampton. The city, undoubtedly, would be a lot cooler if there were.

Pulisic. Christian Pulisic.

That is supposedly what this blog is about.

Please let me gather myself.

I’m at a Seattle Public Library writing this post and, as usual, slightly uncomfortable. Yesterday I used the computers in the Central Library and the guy across from me (and also across from the guy next to me [pertinent detail]) at one point got up and said, “I’m changing computers; I don’t like sitting across from douchebags (semi-colon yours).” At which point the dude sitting next to me and I looked each other, both, obviously, trying to figure out who the douchebag was. Or at least that’s what I thought. The older gentleman to my left, bless his heart, after looking at me, said, a bit bewildered, as if sensing he should maybe be hurt, “What’s a douchebag?”

At which point I signed out of the computer and left the premises.

God, I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be talking about Christian Pulisic. Sorry. It’s just the computer I’m on has restricted access and won’t let me use Twitter. Give me a sec.

Christian did not play that well in this game. ESPN gave him like a 7 on the player rankings, but ESPN is also not where you should be getting your player rankings. You should be getting them at your and your sister-in-law’s favorite blog, Straight Outta Hershey. Where we (I), have decided to give Pulisic a rating of…6. Yes. I know. One point less. But that one point says a helluvuvuva lot. However, that rating is Pulisic COMPARED TO EVERYONE ELSE ON THE TEAM. If it were in relation to how good he’s capable of playing, I’d give him about a two. And I know that sounds harsh. And that’s because it is.

(insert Twitter embed of Christian smiling)

As I said in a previous post, it didn’t matter much how CP played against Mexico last Friday. What matters is how he plays against Wolverhampton on Saturday, and against Ajax and Liverpool coming up, should he play much in those matches. I think he will start against Wolves. But I think that’s about his last chance. If he doesn’t show some quality, he’s going to get axed from the starting lineup real soon.

In other news, Christian Pulisic is still just 20 years old, and is still the greatest soccer player in US soccer history. So let’s just take a breath for a moment. Maybe stop, just for a second, heaping all kinds of pressure on him. Instead let’s turn our attention to a quote from Seneca the Younger that’s fitting for this upcoming game:

“Throw me to the wolves and I will return leading the pack.”