Two Croatian Passports Score for Chelsea

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Damnnnnn son, Cha Boi been gone, Cha boi hasn’t been postin’. Cha boi on vacation? Cha boi in that warm weather? And no, Cha boi hasn’t been on vacation. Well, that’s not entirely true. Cha boi went to Norway but Cha boi hasn’t been in warm weather. And meanwhile Cha other boi been on an absolute tear….


Today Christian Pulisic scored for Chelsea in a 2-2 draw against Valencia. Other than his goal (thank God for VAR), he didn’t play THAT well. He had a few unfortunate giveaways, and didn’t create that many attacking threats. However, by the grace of Thor he continues to score, and that will (hopefully) keep him in the lineup. He did look better than Willian. That much is true. But just barely. I wouldn’t be surprised if Willian gets the axe soon in favor of Mason Mount. It’s weird having Mason on the bench. What is he doing there? But Lampard has had to shift things around now that N’golo Kante is healthy. Because Kante must play. Also, what on Earth was the deal with that yellow card against Kante? I’ve never seen a cleaner, more legit, all ball challenge, and the ref gives him a yellow card. I was screaming in my boat, where I was watching the game on my phone thanks to Xfinity steaming and TNT.

Cha boi.

The draw did a lot for Chelsea; all they have to do now is play Lille and basically not lose, which they should be able to do quite handily.

Other people who impressed me in this game: Mateo Kovacic, Reese James, Kante. One who didn’t impress all that much was Tammy Abraham, though to be fair he didn’t get all that many opportunities. It was great to see Kovacic get his first ever Chelsea goal. What was that celebration? There are so many good things to come out of Croatia. What a wonderful country. I watch chess videos made by a guy I’m Croatia everyday.

Lastly, hats off to Kepa Arrizabalaga for his insane penalty kick save. Jesus, what a beauty. That was the difference, right here. Granted, it never should’ve been a penalty in 8,000 years, but still, Kepa came in massively when they needed him most. Plus I bet he was stoked to be in a Spanish speaking country. To be, like, able to go to the corner store and buy a Kit Kat in his native language. Unless his native language is Basque. And as if they sell Kit Kat in Spain…

Speaking of Spain, why am I not there right now? Oh, it’s cuz Cha boi like dat cold weather. Cha boi cold blooded, just like Christian Pulisic and dem icy cold touches in the six yard box.

Thank God for VAR…

Are Christian Pulisic and Mason Mount Best Buds?

Exhibit Ä:


I often wonder, as I’m sitting at home at night, the rain pattering softly on the window sill, me muttering to myself in intermediate German, who Christian Pulisic’s friends are on Chelsea. Granted, he hasn’t been there a long time. But if there’s one thing Christian seems good at, it’s ingratiating himself with his teammates. He doesn’t have a big ego. He works hard. He seems like the kind of guy who gets along with most people.

For some reason I didn’t think CP and Mason Mount were the best of friends. This was based on the supposition that they’re “competing” for the title of “Chelsea’s Youngest Hot Shot and Possible Heir to the Premier League and Maybe Even The Principality of Some Kind of Fiefdom.” I also thought Mason Mount was a bit of a hothead, that he had a bit of an ego. I still think this. I also think this is why Mason Mount, at just 20 years of age, has about as much fear as a tiger shark getting attacked by a manatee. I’ve seen fewer people more explosive on and off the ball. And for some reason, I don’t know why I thought this, I thought he might resent Pulisic’s presence on the field.

But I think I’m probably wrong about that.

As evidenced by the two kindred spirits strolling the yard in the GIF above.

On a different note, how about Tammy Abraham’s celebration of his first goal where he ran over and bear-hugged Frank Lampard? Touching. It’s nice to see the spirit is there. As I’ve said several times in the past, Chelsea are still lacking a leader. I know no one agrees with me on this, but I think Ross Barkley could be that leader. And I think that avenue should at least be explored. Even if it’s not an avenue but more of an alleyway, or a walkway, or a non-existent path through the woods only transited by wild boar.

Long live the Mason Mount and Christian Pulisic friendship.

Chelsea Extinguish Norwich City, David Luiz Punished for his Sins

Today’s match was emotional. All of the matches today were emotional. I just watched the highlights from the Manchester United vs. Crystal Palace game and watching Marcus Rashford miss that penalty made me want to curl into a ball and, rather than go sit in the corner, roll myself down a flight of stairs. The kid doesn’t miss penalties. If anyone else on Man U ever takes penalties instead of him, it will be a grave error.

But let’s talk about Chelsea! Let’s talk about Cha Boi: Christian Pulisic.

But first let’s talk about the match as a whole.

And then we’ll get to David Luiz, who famously abandoned his “beloved” Chelsea at the beginning of the season to join arch rivals Arsenal. I think there’s some sort of word that describes what happened to David Luiz in the match versus Liverpool today. I can’t quite remember what it is, but I feel like it rhymes with “kajarmah.”

Tammy Abraham looked like a roman candle that’s been dropped on the ground and is causing everyone to run for cover.

A few things I really liked about Chelsea’s starting lineup against Norwich City today. 1) Ross Barkley started. Has anyone noticed how Ross Barkley on the ball is something akin to rubbing your cheek against a 6,000 thread count Egyptian hand towel? I’ve seen few other people with such control. Such cheekiness. Such calmness. Granted, he did make a few bad decisions. He did have a few giveaways. But he also made a few decisions that were incredibly on point and will never be praised. Decisions like stopping his run and letting a defender fly by. And what about that run on the ball from the corner of the 18? The announcer compared him to Maradona. I just hope Barkley doesn’t have a drug problem.

And then there’s Mateo Kovacic, one of (at least) two wizards on the team with a Croatian passport. The guy is feral. He eats defenders for brunch. He spits them out. He picks his teeth with their tibias. I’ve seen few other players display such grit and grace.

The point I’m trying to make is this: Either Ross Barkley or Mateo Kovacic NEED TO START. FRANK, YOU HAVE GREATNESS AT YOUR DISPOSAL. DISPOSE OF IT. STOP PLAYING PEDRO FOREVER. Imagine N’golo Kante at midfield with Ross Barkley. Imagine Kovacic and Barkley and Kante all on the field at, dare I say it…. (actually I think I won’t, because Frank will never do it.)

(Side note: Kovacic actually grew up in Austria until he was 13. He was born in Linz Bosnian Croatian parents.)

Christian Pulisic, in his second straight Premier League start, played much better than he did last week against Leicester City. He had few giveaways, looked more comfortable on the ball, fought harder, and even had an assist.

He also had several goal scoring opportunities, including one where he freaked and deeked and made me feel like I was wearing diapers — but wasn’t able to finish. One question continues to loom: Can Christian Pulisic become comfortable with the physicality of the Premier League. Answer: (Spoken by several barristers in unison) Yay.

But it will take time. The Bundesliga is not the Premier League. Pulisic is not the biggest player in the world. When you get hit in the Premier League a lot of times a funny thing happens: The ref does nothing.

But he will adjust.

To barely pull of a win against a team that’s just been promoted doesn’t exactly inspire confidence, but it also completely inspires confidence. Tammy Abraham looked like a roman candle that’s been dropped on the ground and is causing everyone to run for cover. Mason Mount was up to his usual tricks, i.e. scoring a goal that looked like it might occasion a hole in the back of the net, and the aforementioned Ross Barkley was a welcome addition to the lineup even though everyone seems to hate him for some reason. I don’t hate him. I might even love him.

As for David Luiz, I will leave you with this (for best viewing experience, make full screen, take a sniff of some smelling salts, and replay the first few seconds of the clip over and over):


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