SOH Friday the 13th Edition: Pulisic at Wolves, Sargent at Berlin

Friends, lovers, Pulisic fans,

Welcome to today’s Friday the 13th edition of Straight Outta Hershey, in which we honor the goddess within us, since that is apparently traditionally what Friday the 13th was all about until it was demonized by the evil patriarch. But today we take it back! We are all goddesses, albeit some of us male. Like Cha Boi, for example. And maybe Jadon Sancho, too. And of course Bianca Andreescu, who recently won the US Open in tennis.

Go, Bianca.

Before we go any further though can you just take a quick peek at the featured image for this blog post? Look at Christian Pulisic and Jadon Sancho, going head to head in a USMNT vs. England national team game. Look at the passion on both of their faces, and — look quick! — how their arms are so delicately intertwined, a dance of friendship and camaraderie but also one of competitive zeal. Ahhh, my friends, but fall is in the air! The season when a young man’s fancy quickly turns to love. Or is it indifference? Ahhh, my friends…

Anyway. Let’s talk just a TINY bit about this Chelsea vs. Wolves game tomorrow out in Wolverhampton. Folks, I think Christian Pulisic will actually start again. Hudson-Odoi isn’t QUITE fit yet (he played for the U-23 team today and didn’t score), and since Hudson-Odoi is basically the dude who’s gonna replace Puli should Puli start to play like shit, we’re good for a little while longer. In fact, should Puli play how I think he’s going to play tomorrow, I think we’re gonna be good for a lot longer. You see, Pulisic’s probably a bit frustrated after what happened against Mexico recently. And you might think that that would make him play bad tomorrow, when the exact opposite is actually true. Christian responds to diversity, and responds well. If he starts tomorrow, expect his performance to be gangbusters.

Can we talk a little about Josh Sargent now? Just for like two seconds? Josh Sargent should PROBABLY START tomorrow against Union Berlin, especially since Maximilian Eggestein, everyone’s 18th favorite German midfielder, is out with some kind of injury. Even if Eggestein was healthy, everyone with an ounce of brain matter knows Sargent should still start, except of course head coach Florian Kohfeldt, who seems purgatory-bent on sidelining Sargent until he either A) turns 60 or B) learns German. Since everyone knows the latter will never happen (or the former, for that matter; stars don’t die; they only go down in flames), we have to wait for Kohfeldt to see the proverbial light when it comes to his 19-year-old phenom striker.

Embed from Getty Images

Should Sargent start again tomorrow, and should he score again, his position in the starting lineup might just be solidified and congealed like big fat scoop of collagen peptides. I think it’s decently likely Sargent scores should he start tomorrow against Union Berlin. I think it’s decently likely Pulisic scores against Wolves tomorrow. I think it’s decently likely Chelsea win, but I don’t think it’s that likely Werder Bremen win. In honor of Bianca Andreescu, winner of the US Open, and also in honor of the original significance of Friday the 13th, I will give my prediction for the score lines in tennis terms.

Chelsea vs Wolverhampton: 6-1, 6-7, 6-4, 6-3

Bremen vs. Union Berlin: 6-7, 6-4, 6-7

If you don’t understand this, don’t worry: I don’t really understand it either.

But I like it.

Go Blues!

-M

Sargent Bedazzles in Augsburg Bundesliga Blitz

Josh Sargent influenced hearts and minds on Sunday with a gorgeous goal for Werder Bremen in a 3-2 win against the most non-descript side in the history of football, FC Augsburg. I shouldn’t say completely non-descript, since Augsburg have the most auspicious Icelandic striker on their team, the venerable Alfreð Finnbogason (Old English dental fricative his). Sargent’s goal came in the 21st minute after a hopeful pass from former Dortmund Christian Pulisic teammate Nuri Sahi, which Sargent was able to, in one graceful, python-going-for-a -capybara-like motion, trap, flick over the keeper, and pile drive into the goal. The whole escapade looked easy for Sargent, who has apparently been playing football since he was a zygote.

This was Sargent’s first start (ever?) of the 2019 Bundesliga season. As I have said in posts past, Sargent’s quality and striker’s instinct should make him Florian Kohfeldt’s go-to man for all things goal related. But Kohfeldt seems hell-bent on mediocrity, and thus Sargent’s lack of playing time.
Sargent and Cha Boi, aka Christian Pulisic, aka the Hellion from Hershey, will have a chance to feature against Méjico this Friday in New Jersey. Look for some solid link up between the two as Christian looks to bury a semi-dastardly performance against Sheffield United in which The “Blades” somehow came back from behind to tie the game 2-2 and cause me to almost have a panic attack. Pulisic, Sargent and McKennie all up front ? Si (lack of accent mark mine), señor. It would be great to get revenge against Mexico, and it would also be great if Greg Berhalter somehow got lost on the way to the game and ended up on an uninhabited island in Micronesia and Brian McBride or someone who actually knows about soccer took over. But US Soccer is probably one the most defective organizations on US soil, so don’t look for that to happen anytime soon.
Josh Sargent, you are an inspiration to us all. Every time to you play, I am excited to watch Werder Bremen. And when you’re on the bench, I cry big fat green tears right alongside you.

Greg Berhalter Makes Me Sad

I don’t have a lot to say about Chour Boi today that I haven’t already said this week in the titillating preview I wrote for tomorrow’s Chelsea vs. Sheff United game. Of course, I could talk about the upcoming international break and Chour Boi’s selection for this squad. Apparently, Greg Berhalter, neptotism’s favo(u)rite coach, said he envisions Pulisic in more of a “No. 10” role, aka the role Christian Pulisic was born for, aka the role I was born for, aka I’m probably going to go back to Trader Joe’s in like 10 minutes just so I can get a few more coffee samples.

Why can’t they just give me a huge-ass dixie cup?

Though Berhalter seems hell-bent on messing up everything he possibly can by playing players from a league called Major League Soccer, or something to that effect, even though he’s got much better players in Europe, he at least did call up Josh Sargent, the United State’s best striker, for this squad. For whatever reason Berhalter decided to leave Sargent OFF the Gold Cup squad. I thought this might kind of be a good thing, since Florian Kohfeldt, Werder Bremen’s Big Bad Boss, sounded like he was going to play Sargent more as a result. He’s done no such thing. Sargent didn’t even PLAY last weekend against Hoffenheim, a sin for which Kohfeldt should be punished using bamboo poles by school headmistress with unusually lively wrists. Who knows what Kohfeldt is thinking. At this point, I have no idea. Sargent’s quality is undeniable. “Oh, he’s not ready,” Kohfeldt says. Florian Kohfeldt, you’re not ready to be a Bundesliga coach. You should be third tier coaching the Würzburger Kickers, though I’m not sure you’re even qualified for that.

In other news, I need to stop writing these posts at the library, since there is always someone within two feet of my person, muttering to themselves, usually toting some kind of canine.

The guy to my left just said to no one in particular, “What the fuck do you want?”

There is, of course, plenty of news to report on about Chelsea. The group stages for Champions League, for example, have been decided. There was a time two years ago, when Pulisic played for Dortmund, where every morning I’d wake up and play this song:

What fuel to get me through the day! I’d sing along in French, in German, in all the official languages of UEFA. I’d head out into the world ready to tackle whatever the day could throw at me, which at that time was usually 26 community college students who hated Spanish but for some reason or another had to take it. Ahh, the memories.

But now I’m going to leave this library. I would say that 75% of the time I go to a Seattle Public Library I feel unsafe.

Keep up the good work, guys!

Pulisic tomorrow 7:00am PDT.

Be there or be tetrahedral.