Two Croatian Passports Score for Chelsea

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Damnnnnn son, Cha Boi been gone, Cha boi hasn’t been postin’. Cha boi on vacation? Cha boi in that warm weather? And no, Cha boi hasn’t been on vacation. Well, that’s not entirely true. Cha boi went to Norway but Cha boi hasn’t been in warm weather. And meanwhile Cha other boi been on an absolute tear….


Today Christian Pulisic scored for Chelsea in a 2-2 draw against Valencia. Other than his goal (thank God for VAR), he didn’t play THAT well. He had a few unfortunate giveaways, and didn’t create that many attacking threats. However, by the grace of Thor he continues to score, and that will (hopefully) keep him in the lineup. He did look better than Willian. That much is true. But just barely. I wouldn’t be surprised if Willian gets the axe soon in favor of Mason Mount. It’s weird having Mason on the bench. What is he doing there? But Lampard has had to shift things around now that N’golo Kante is healthy. Because Kante must play. Also, what on Earth was the deal with that yellow card against Kante? I’ve never seen a cleaner, more legit, all ball challenge, and the ref gives him a yellow card. I was screaming in my boat, where I was watching the game on my phone thanks to Xfinity steaming and TNT.

Cha boi.

The draw did a lot for Chelsea; all they have to do now is play Lille and basically not lose, which they should be able to do quite handily.

Other people who impressed me in this game: Mateo Kovacic, Reese James, Kante. One who didn’t impress all that much was Tammy Abraham, though to be fair he didn’t get all that many opportunities. It was great to see Kovacic get his first ever Chelsea goal. What was that celebration? There are so many good things to come out of Croatia. What a wonderful country. I watch chess videos made by a guy I’m Croatia everyday.

Lastly, hats off to Kepa Arrizabalaga for his insane penalty kick save. Jesus, what a beauty. That was the difference, right here. Granted, it never should’ve been a penalty in 8,000 years, but still, Kepa came in massively when they needed him most. Plus I bet he was stoked to be in a Spanish speaking country. To be, like, able to go to the corner store and buy a Kit Kat in his native language. Unless his native language is Basque. And as if they sell Kit Kat in Spain…

Speaking of Spain, why am I not there right now? Oh, it’s cuz Cha boi like dat cold weather. Cha boi cold blooded, just like Christian Pulisic and dem icy cold touches in the six yard box.

Thank God for VAR…

Chelsea v. Valencia Minute by Minute

Ed’s note: I missed the first half because the library didn’t open today till 1pm. When checking the timeline on Google I was a bit disappointed in myself when I saw that Mason Mount had already been subbed off, presumably because of injury, and found myself getting happy about this. Why would I be happy about Mason Mount getting injured? Well, I don’t want him to get injured of course. I don’t want him to feel pain. But I want Christian Pulisic to play. So I immediately checked who’d been subbed and saw….Pedro. 

46′ – Tammy Abraham somehow hurts wrist going for ball keeper gets to just before him. What are those little wrist band things on Tammy’s forearms, anyway?

51′ First half has pretty boring start. Side note: the guy to my right is typing like he’s trying plunge his fingers all the way through the keyboard and into the desk below it. He’s also wearing a hospital mask.

53′ PUT PULISIC IN.

53′ Pedro’s every second touch is a back heel.

55′ Pedro hacks some blond kid down. Does that thing where they laugh at the absurdity of it all.

58′ Cannot believe Marco Reus missed that penalty kick. But Marco Reus doesn’t play for Chelsea, you say. Yes, that’s because I’m now watching Dortmund vs. Barelona and will continue to do so until the Chelsea game gets more exciting.

59′ GOAT. GOAT. GOAT. GOAT. GOAT. GOAT.

— Goat alert center, what seems to be the problem?

— Excuse me, there’s a goat in our backyard eating all our garbage and scoring disgusting goals.

–Is it wearing a Messi jersey?

–How did you know?

GOAT. GOAT. GOAT. GOAT.

(Messi subbed in for Ansu Fati. Rakitic also comes in.)

63′ Sancho driving run. Marco Reus gets off lackluster shot.

67′ Meanwhile, in Chelsea v. Valencia, Lampard has yet to make any more subs.

68′ There’s a very low likelihood Pulisic will play against Valencia. If he was gonna get subbed in it would’ve been instead of Pedro.

66′ Is Pique still married to Shakira?

66′ Have you ever had a dream about Achraf Hakimi?

70′ And we’re back to Chelsea, where things are still scoreless and boring. Chelsea have no leader. Chelsea have no leader. Q: Chelsea have no? A: Leader.

72′ Awful shot from Rodrigo M. Olivier Giroud about to come in. Kurt Zouma goes out. Lampard wants to win!

73′ Chances of Pulisic playing plummet even further. Next sub will undoubtedly be defender.

74′ Amazing goal from some dude on Valencia. Kepa pissed and rightly so. Horrible defending.

75′ Go Valencia?

75′ By going down 0-1 Pulisic actually has a chance of getting subbed on. Lampard will be looking for a wildcard.

75′ Valencia scoring is actually the best thing that could’ve possibly happened for Pulisic.

77′ Valencia players start rolling on ground. This is what’s so wrong with the sport of soccer. It disgusts me and could so easily be solved. It’s called…Stopping. The. Clock.

78′ Olivier Giroud gets shot on goal and looks approximately 89 years old while doing so.

78′ Looks Like Ross Barkley is coming on. He’s putting his shirt on. If there was one other player I’d want coming on instead of Pulisic, it’d be ross. Semi-stoked.

79′ Mateo Kovacic comes off for Ross Barkley. Pulisic will not play in this game.

Frowny fucking face.

Meanwhile, Dortmund v. Barca still scoreless.

82′ Barkley shows QUALITY. Corner kick coming.

Will Mount be healthy for Liverpool????

83′ Chelsea players want handball. Ref says, “Gracias, muy amable.”

Then checks VAR.

Oooooh, slow mo is show, and looks like bro had his arm away from his body. Could be a penalty.

85′ Ref goes over to look at replay himself. This is getting spicier than Tom Kha Ga I had last week.

PENALTY AWARDED.

(But who will take it?)

86′ Ross Barkley will take it! This is huge for Chelsea and also for the rest of Ross’s season.

He…looks…nervous.

87′ Barkley misses penalty. I’m going home.

Wow.

 

Greg Berhalter Makes Me Sad

I don’t have a lot to say about Chour Boi today that I haven’t already said this week in the titillating preview I wrote for tomorrow’s Chelsea vs. Sheff United game. Of course, I could talk about the upcoming international break and Chour Boi’s selection for this squad. Apparently, Greg Berhalter, neptotism’s favo(u)rite coach, said he envisions Pulisic in more of a “No. 10” role, aka the role Christian Pulisic was born for, aka the role I was born for, aka I’m probably going to go back to Trader Joe’s in like 10 minutes just so I can get a few more coffee samples.

Why can’t they just give me a huge-ass dixie cup?

Though Berhalter seems hell-bent on messing up everything he possibly can by playing players from a league called Major League Soccer, or something to that effect, even though he’s got much better players in Europe, he at least did call up Josh Sargent, the United State’s best striker, for this squad. For whatever reason Berhalter decided to leave Sargent OFF the Gold Cup squad. I thought this might kind of be a good thing, since Florian Kohfeldt, Werder Bremen’s Big Bad Boss, sounded like he was going to play Sargent more as a result. He’s done no such thing. Sargent didn’t even PLAY last weekend against Hoffenheim, a sin for which Kohfeldt should be punished using bamboo poles by school headmistress with unusually lively wrists. Who knows what Kohfeldt is thinking. At this point, I have no idea. Sargent’s quality is undeniable. “Oh, he’s not ready,” Kohfeldt says. Florian Kohfeldt, you’re not ready to be a Bundesliga coach. You should be third tier coaching the Würzburger Kickers, though I’m not sure you’re even qualified for that.

In other news, I need to stop writing these posts at the library, since there is always someone within two feet of my person, muttering to themselves, usually toting some kind of canine.

The guy to my left just said to no one in particular, “What the fuck do you want?”

There is, of course, plenty of news to report on about Chelsea. The group stages for Champions League, for example, have been decided. There was a time two years ago, when Pulisic played for Dortmund, where every morning I’d wake up and play this song:

What fuel to get me through the day! I’d sing along in French, in German, in all the official languages of UEFA. I’d head out into the world ready to tackle whatever the day could throw at me, which at that time was usually 26 community college students who hated Spanish but for some reason or another had to take it. Ahh, the memories.

But now I’m going to leave this library. I would say that 75% of the time I go to a Seattle Public Library I feel unsafe.

Keep up the good work, guys!

Pulisic tomorrow 7:00am PDT.

Be there or be tetrahedral.