Chelsea v. Valencia Minute by Minute

Ed’s note: I missed the first half because the library didn’t open today till 1pm. When checking the timeline on Google I was a bit disappointed in myself when I saw that Mason Mount had already been subbed off, presumably because of injury, and found myself getting happy about this. Why would I be happy about Mason Mount getting injured? Well, I don’t want him to get injured of course. I don’t want him to feel pain. But I want Christian Pulisic to play. So I immediately checked who’d been subbed and saw….Pedro. 

46′ – Tammy Abraham somehow hurts wrist going for ball keeper gets to just before him. What are those little wrist band things on Tammy’s forearms, anyway?

51′ First half has pretty boring start. Side note: the guy to my right is typing like he’s trying plunge his fingers all the way through the keyboard and into the desk below it. He’s also wearing a hospital mask.

53′ PUT PULISIC IN.

53′ Pedro’s every second touch is a back heel.

55′ Pedro hacks some blond kid down. Does that thing where they laugh at the absurdity of it all.

58′ Cannot believe Marco Reus missed that penalty kick. But Marco Reus doesn’t play for Chelsea, you say. Yes, that’s because I’m now watching Dortmund vs. Barelona and will continue to do so until the Chelsea game gets more exciting.

59′ GOAT. GOAT. GOAT. GOAT. GOAT. GOAT.

— Goat alert center, what seems to be the problem?

— Excuse me, there’s a goat in our backyard eating all our garbage and scoring disgusting goals.

–Is it wearing a Messi jersey?

–How did you know?

GOAT. GOAT. GOAT. GOAT.

(Messi subbed in for Ansu Fati. Rakitic also comes in.)

63′ Sancho driving run. Marco Reus gets off lackluster shot.

67′ Meanwhile, in Chelsea v. Valencia, Lampard has yet to make any more subs.

68′ There’s a very low likelihood Pulisic will play against Valencia. If he was gonna get subbed in it would’ve been instead of Pedro.

66′ Is Pique still married to Shakira?

66′ Have you ever had a dream about Achraf Hakimi?

70′ And we’re back to Chelsea, where things are still scoreless and boring. Chelsea have no leader. Chelsea have no leader. Q: Chelsea have no? A: Leader.

72′ Awful shot from Rodrigo M. Olivier Giroud about to come in. Kurt Zouma goes out. Lampard wants to win!

73′ Chances of Pulisic playing plummet even further. Next sub will undoubtedly be defender.

74′ Amazing goal from some dude on Valencia. Kepa pissed and rightly so. Horrible defending.

75′ Go Valencia?

75′ By going down 0-1 Pulisic actually has a chance of getting subbed on. Lampard will be looking for a wildcard.

75′ Valencia scoring is actually the best thing that could’ve possibly happened for Pulisic.

77′ Valencia players start rolling on ground. This is what’s so wrong with the sport of soccer. It disgusts me and could so easily be solved. It’s called…Stopping. The. Clock.

78′ Olivier Giroud gets shot on goal and looks approximately 89 years old while doing so.

78′ Looks Like Ross Barkley is coming on. He’s putting his shirt on. If there was one other player I’d want coming on instead of Pulisic, it’d be ross. Semi-stoked.

79′ Mateo Kovacic comes off for Ross Barkley. Pulisic will not play in this game.

Frowny fucking face.

Meanwhile, Dortmund v. Barca still scoreless.

82′ Barkley shows QUALITY. Corner kick coming.

Will Mount be healthy for Liverpool????

83′ Chelsea players want handball. Ref says, “Gracias, muy amable.”

Then checks VAR.

Oooooh, slow mo is show, and looks like bro had his arm away from his body. Could be a penalty.

85′ Ref goes over to look at replay himself. This is getting spicier than Tom Kha Ga I had last week.

PENALTY AWARDED.

(But who will take it?)

86′ Ross Barkley will take it! This is huge for Chelsea and also for the rest of Ross’s season.

He…looks…nervous.

87′ Barkley misses penalty. I’m going home.

Wow.

 

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