Chelsea Ratings vs. Leicester City

Did Christian Pulisic, first of his name, protector of the left flank, have a good game against Leicester City last Sunday? That’s a tough question, and the answer is eight-fold. First of all, did he score any goals? Negative. Second of all, did he have any assists? Negative. Third of all, how many times did he make grown men look like boys? Once or twice. And for the other criteria you will have to become a premium subscriber to this blog, which doesn’t exist and probably never will because, like Christian Pulisic, I am of the people, for the people.

Pulisic had, and I cringe to even announce this stat, seven giveaways. My vocabulary ain’t so good, but a word that instantly springs to my mind when reflecting on that is “bad.” But it’s not that CP played particularly bad. He did have a few good runs and he was tenacious on defense, he just wasn’t that great. I chalk it up to nerves. I chalk it up to anything but him not being an amazing player.

His rating for the game? 4

Now for other players.

Mason Mount was quite good. His goal proved he can shoot directly across his body and then fall over. It also proved that he’s a rabid ferret when it comes to pressing. He also had plenty of other goal opportunities, none of which he converted. Rating: 7

Olivier Giroud, everyone’s ninth favorite Frenchman, played well, but in a weird way. He was serving up the ball, not driving it toward the net. With his strong frame he showed everyone the definition of holding center forward. Rating: Six (pronounced “sees”)

N’golo Kante once again proved why he’s the best player on the Chelsea team, other than Pulisic of course, who we don’t consider a player but rather a deity. Kante floated around the field like a poltergeist who’s just snorted a line of Peruvian maca powder. Okay, he wasn’t THAT effectual in this match. But he was still critical.

Rating: 7

Frank Lampard: Lampard only made one dastardly mistake, and that was putting Willian on for Pulisic instead of Ross Barkley. He also probably shouldn’t have taken Pulisic off, since everyone knows that Pulisic is most dangerous toward the end of the game when emotions are running high and fans are biting their finger nails and hoping someone will come along and just make it end. Lampard’s rating: 5

Kepa: good looking young Spanish man. Couldn’t have done anything about the goal. Rating: 6 

Pedro: please stop doing your damn flicks. They are pretty cool though.  Rating: 5 

Everyone else on Chelsea: your rating is one of those sturgeon smiles everyone here in Seattle does when they don’t want to acknowledge you but they don’t have the balls to just walk on by. You know what I’m talking about.

Hopefully Lampard will start Pulisic against Norwich City on Saturday.  If there’s one thing CP needs, it’s the manager to have confidence in him.

Your call, Frank.

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